It's been a long time that i really feel like i'm walking in the desert. Since i came to this third year of my studies, i really feel like i'm always worn out and not enough time to rest and do work. Even though sometimes i know i have enough rest, but i'm still emotionally tired. Tired of the overwhelming loads of works.
As time goes by i really realized that i'm dry in the inside. The excitement and faith just disappeared. In the panic i don't know what to do.
Instead of pulling near to God, i pushed myself from God. In this point of the time, even though all my friends can see me as a cheerful person, i'm losing everything. I'm losing myself. I'm losing the most precious help i got. I'm covering myself from God. Even when He came to be my support, i just ran away. This must be the most miserable time of my life. This is the worst time of my life.
When things don't turn out what i think should happen, i blame all the other people around me. I blame my teacher, i blame my parents, and eventually i blame God for not helping me. The spirit of a quitter keep on coming to me.
At the peak of this mountain, i finally realized that i really need Him by my side. I cried out "GOD.... GOD...... GOD....... JESUS......!!!! JESUS.... LORD....". At that point of me calling His name, His presence struck down on me. He comforted me.
I cried "God, it is all over. I'm too late to realize that You are always here with me. I'm too late to pick this up again. I can't go back to where i'm supposed to be"
He is truly the Lord my father. He said "Don't worry child, there is never too late for Me. Praise and call upon My name."
He reminded me about praising His name in every condition of my life. I started singing..
"It's for freedom that Christ has set us free..
I live for You and not for me anymore..
And Your mercy is new with everyday..
No longer will i forfeit grace,
I'll follow You and live by faith.."
(Freedom by CCC)
Indeed He set me free from all haters towards my lecturer. He told me about when Jesus was nailed on the cross for our sin, He didn't curse the people that nailed Him, He blessed them. The same thing applied to me. I felt like i'm being killed emotionally. But God able to raise me again. so I started blessing my lecturer.
I live for You and not for me anymore. Even though deep down i really want to quit, but i'm not living for myself anymore. I'm living for Him. So,
"I WAS NOT A QUITTER, AM NOT A QUITTER, WILL NEVER BE A QUITTER"
Yeaps, we are more than a conqueror.
"And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon forged against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here"
I will bring praise
No weapon forged against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here"
(Desert Song - Hillsong)
In Him alone i can stand up and slay the goliath in my life.
My prayer today:
"Dear Jesus my Lord. I'm so sorry for ignoring Your presence in my life. But thank You that You still persevere and stay by my side. I'm not a quitter and i give You my life. Let my life be Your clay, mould me in Your way. I'm going to stand strong in the days of my life cause i know that You are greater than all the earth. Let my word shout Your praise and let my life bring You glory. Thank You Lord"
